Good times.

cassandra leigh
just you and me
together forever
no one better
gave you my heart
please don't break it apart
i want you to be here
so i can hold you near
put a permenant smile on my face
talking to you makes my heart race
this feels so right
want you here tonight
to hold you in my arms
away from all the harms
my beautiful baby
maybe, just maybe
there won't be an end
way more than a friend
don't care what other people say
i will love you each and everyday
my heart needs you here to stay
i never want to give you away.

i found this a while ago and it reminds me of a really great summer.
its interesting to look at how things turn out sometimes.
young love, it never lasts but its amazing while its alive and thriving.

just my thoughts for today i have so much more to tell but im too lazy =]

iloveyouwhoeveryouare<3

Butterflies

ok i have a massive crush on this girl.
she is probably the hottest thing i've seen in a while.
and i dont care that shes a grade below me, everytime i look at her i get butterflies and when she talks to me i go brain dead haha.
My "little emolicious sevie" as kaleigh puts it lol.

so tonight was absolutely horrific.
it wasnt like terrible terrible but it was bad.
but on the plus side, mackenzie is kinda cute... =]

omigod. kaleigh michaela and ashley are turning me emo/scene over winter break.
im actually pretty stoked. its like extreme makeover emo edition lol.

buuuuut yea. anyways....=] god shes beautiful.

Iloveher

She makes me so ubelievably happy like no one else.
i love her.
she loves me.
i wish that was the end of the story.

I LOVE HATE.

i am quite possibly the worst human being ever.
why cant i ever just be happy with what i have???
but nooo i have to go be jealous and catty. then pretend im hurting from it.
but in truth i am hurting. its hurts being me.
im actually like pretty positive im gay...because the thought of kissing my boyfriend REPULSES ME.
yea poor him.
he aint getting squat haha.
i really hate my life.
i hate that im gay/bi (whats the fucking difference?!? ILIKEGIRLS.) i hate that i always want more. i hate that by wanting more i pushed her even farther away towards that stupid whore girlfriend she has.
and i hate that she has so much effect on me. i hate that i love her. i hate that shes adorable. i hate that shes funny. i hate that shes sweet. i hate hate hate hate hate that she has a girlfriend that isnt me. but i hate myself because i dont want her to be with me. it would hurt too much because we're so far away. i hate that i dont want her to hurt. i hate myself because i dont want her to hurt. i hate that i keep doing this whole "if i cant have you no one can" evil villan thing.
i just want to crawl inside a shell and live peacefully without humans for the rest of my life.
IHATEMEANDMYLIFEANDEVERYTHINGABOUTME!

we'll call her Jen.

her names jen...not really haha =]
shes a year below me and absolutely freaking georgous.
SHES EMO. loveeee it =]
she has this amazinggg hair that she dyed black and her eye makeup is sooo hot.
basically shes like the hottest chick everrrr. and i heard shes gay...or bi...or somethinggg, i have no idea. anywayssss we had a pep rally on thursday (which was sooo much fun) and afterwords we were all leaving and she looks up at me and like not directly and changes directions completelyyyyy and walks righttttt in front of me and brushes my shoulder. i was like omgahhhhotttt. haha but yea im not getting my hopes up that shes gay or anything, shes just like really hot. lol.

and i sorta kinda really like this other girl who lives far away and shes dating this other ugly chick but we talk like we're together and stuff and she likes me better than her girlfriend butttt i still feel weird about it, i sorta feel bad...but not really.=]

once again

*screen names have been changed.*

ok so she knows i like her and she still talks about regan like alll the time. i have prooooof. she had sent me the link to a video of her dancing (she irish dances, how cutee!) anywaysss

Lindsay (10:23:12 PM): and by the way, if you wanna watch other people in the videos, abby and mollie are amazing. and regans the girl i like xD

a little later after i 've watched her and regans videos, im saying this with so much sarcasm but she has no idea haha

HighTideSummers7 (10:30:47 PM): btw regans pretty good too
HighTideSummers7 (10:30:53 PM): shes a keeper

she fell btw thats why i was saying she was good =]

Lindsay (10:31:09 PM): she's gorgeous too

so yea i know i sound like a catty bitch but its just annoying.

butttt in her defense right after she said regan was "gorgeous" she said

Lindsay (10:31:30 PM): so are you by the way, i feel like you're always the one complementing me and you deserve lots too

apparently i compliment her a lot?

whateverrr. like i said im done with relationships and crap im just gonna love myself.
(and other people inside my head.)
(yes i know im crazy)

"SPLAT!"

My quick little poem for the day:

my heart used to throb,
when i saw ur screen name
it still does,
only now its out of pain.

So today was not so bad. colleen was actually in school today so it wasnt completely horrible but kaleigh saw the cuts i made last night and flipped shit on me. soooo yea but at least someone cares. thank god i have kaleigh. i wish i could show rachel butttt who knows what that would do to her, id say we're like sisters but we really are in every single way exept blood. i've known that kid since i was 3 and we've never run out of things to talk about yet. but shes very...its hard to explain, you just have to know her to understand why i cant tell my very best friend in the entire world that im gay/bi (who really knows) and that i cut... but i love her, i have more fun with her than anyone else in the world.

anyways back to my day...i had to play in my basketball game today and surprisingly i didnt do completely horrible and i wasnt nervous like usual.

i feel so odd today...idk how to explain it, its just like i feel weirdly calm and panicky at the samee time.

so yea. i really want to be able to talk to maggie again like i used to, but i cant. its just so weird actually knowing forsure that the wholeeee time we were talking and stuff she was probably saying the sameeee stuff to sam. and that hurts. a lot.

im so done with relationships. i hate getting hurt. i hate that i fall so quickly and so hard usually my landing is like in the cartoons when they fall off a cliff or something they totally just like splat on the ground. cuz thats totally how it feels for me.... im so gonna just die alone with like 57 cats.

is splat a word??? cuz now that im saying it in my head its sounding more and more wrong...oh well if its not it is now cuz i just made it up. so fuck a moose.


im hungry. im craving cheese puffs....


omgimreallyhungrypeaceout.

Take Me Away - Chase Coy

Take me away to January
I'm done with this year,
I'm tired of everyone here.
I just need some time alone,
Before I'm ready to come back home.
There's got to be something else out there for me
I could feel it in my heart the day I started to dream
There's more than this Midwestern town,
I can't let this place keep me down.
So I tell myself,

"There's a girl out on the coast of California,
There's a world out there and it's waiting for you."

And I can hear them calling my name tonight.
Take me away, I need the sand and the waves
The sunset and lets not forget those warm autumn days
I just need to get out of here.
And visit the coast just to see her.
There's got to be something else out there for me.
I could feel it in my heart the day I started to dream.
There's more than this Midwestern town.
I can't let this place keep me down
So I tell myself,

"There's a girl out on the coast of California,
There's a world out there and it's waiting for you."

And I can them it calling my name tonight.
Take me away to January
I'm done with this year I'm tired of everyone here
I just need some time alone
Before I'm ready to come back home.

imlosingmymind.

ok so i just cut for the first time.
and i dont even feel better.
i feel worse.
and i totally just wanna sit alone and cry for the rest of the night.

i dont know why this hurts so much. i dont even think thats why i cut.
basically my life sucks and im so fucking stressed out and i think this just pushed me over the edge.

The things in life i hate.

myself.
the color brown.
love.
myspace.
petroleum jelly.
breakups.
disappointment.
writing stupid stories.
annoying people.
naked brothers band.
sideburns.
people telling me what to do.
basketball.
relationships.
rubiks cubes.
little kids.
lying.
people misleading other people.
girls.
boys.
people.
sci-fi.
the color orange.
macys.
belk.
mushrooms.
life.

I knew it was coming.

so im definitely not as paranoid as i thought i was.

i knew this was gonna happen...and yet i didnt stop while i could.

way to go cassie.

you brought this one on urself.

ikindafeellikecrawlinginacornerandcryingfortherestofthenight.

It Should be Called Crazy Cassie

Crazy Mary is a slogan who looks up to no one.
Would do anything for a cold one.
Wishes she could find her way home.
Got the look on her face and the stare of a ray gun.
We walked by everydayand I wish there was something I could do for her.
Maybe if, I took a little time to talk,then she’d Heal a little if she wants to, she can run, but let’s teach her how to walk away now
I’ll, shake a little if she wants to, she’ll, laugh a little if she needs to
There’s a key to the door that she’s hiding behind
She watches the world pass her by like a freight train
And they all call her the same names, laughing as they point and stare at her
So she cries, out to God up in heaven, been praying since she was eleven
For Him to send someone to meet her there
Maybe if, I took a little time to talk, then she’d Heal a little if she wants to, she can run, but let’s teach her how to walk away now I’ll, shake a little if she wants to, she’ll, laugh a little if she needs to
There’s a key to the door that she’s hiding behind
And who knows of her thoughts and her dreams, and ideas she’s got
And contains inside, she’s so broken apartAnd her heart is still looking for some way to feel alright
Maybe if, I took a little time to talk, then she’d Heal a little if she wants to, she can run, but let’s teach her how to walk away now
I’ll, shake a little if she wants to, she’ll, laugh a little if she needs to
There’s a key to the door that she’s hiding behind.

omigodimamentalcase.

ohmigod. imsofuckingconfused. so theres this girl who like makes me unbelievably happy and when i talk to her and stuff all i want to do is make her laugh and smile. shes adorable. and i like her. a lot. buuuuuuut she lives far away and its killing me. why the fuck cant i meet and gay girls in north fucking carolina??? then theres this other part of the whole thing of she likes another girl aswell and the other girl lives a lot closer aka same state. yea and they're getting "married" and i know not really but the whole thing makes me so fucking jealous.
im an extremely jealous paranoid person. like all day today when i wasnt talking to her i was like freaking about thinking she was talking to that other girl and when i got home they'd be going out or something. and i was in an extremely pissy mood. so yea thats basically it.

ohhhhh and also they started liking each other when i was away and computer deprived so i kinda sorta feel like since i wasnt there she replaced me with a(n) (place insult here). ihateher.

i.
hate.
myself.

Chapter 3 of the All Nighter (The 15 things that make up Cassie)

THE COMPLETE LOW DOWN ON CASSIE.

OOOOOk =]
1. so i loveeeee strangers and meeting new people, i absolutely loveee just walking up to some random person and talking to them.
2. i love someone who can make me smile. someone i can count on 100% and know that no matter what happens they'll be there.
3. I act cocky a lot but its usually because im scared shitless, but its also just a part of my personality.
4. im VERY protective of my friends, ill kill you if you hurt them.
5. i like to read. yes i am a nerd. end of story.
6. i tend to trust reallly fast and very easily and i've gotten hurt in the past for not taking it slower.
7. i loveeee sports. they are my everything. i play soccer volleyball basketball lacrosse, i surf wakeboard waterski snowboard and ski.
8. im a "no worries" kind of person but i get annoyed easily when people are fake, ignorant, rude, lazy and obnoxious.
9. i will pretty much do anything on a dare, im probably the most competitive person you'll ever know.
10. im not shy at all EXCEPT when it comes to relationships, you can bet your ass ill never make a first move unless your one of those people that i feel completely comfortable around which is pretty much no one.
11. i curse like a sailor, and i dont give a fuck. =]
12. im a girly girl and a total dude. ill dress like a girly girl but inside iloveee actin like a dude. i like cars guns girls and video games. i also loveeee shopping and makeup and girly shit like that.
13. Im desperate for another gay girl to move down to north carolina and fall in love with me lol.
14. the key to my heart? PENN STATE baby =]
15. MUSIC IS EVERYTHING. MUSIC IS HOW I LIVE.

Chapter 2 of the All Nighter

mk so its around 2 am of the all nighter and im boredddddd.
that is all.

Chapter 1 of the All Nighter =]

mk so i hung out with Matt tonight...it was fun, i wont lie and say i dont have a good time with him but i just dont feel any spark... it was so cute tho lol his friends were like is this ur sweetheart haha i was like aww lol he was so embarrassed. i just walked away to go hang out with his little bro daniel who happens to be the coolest 1st grader i know lol hes a little beast.
but yea so he was showing me how to hold a gun *hes big into hunting and paintball so he has like literallly 150 guns* and he put his arm around me and it was cute but still no spark. =[

i love phineas and ferb =]

yea so i think i should give up on lindsay cuz we dont talk a lot and i know she doesnt like me so yea...whatever.

omigoshsomethingshockingjusthappendthaticantblogaboutbutomg......

Matt

what am i gonna do about matt?!?!
my mom is totally pushing me on him and i dont like him like that!!!
i mean yea hes hot, athletic, smart, and he can driveee.....hes just more fun to hang out with as friends....ughhh but then there are moments when its like how much easier on me would it be to just date guys... rawr i dont know. and im hungry for some brownies =]

until i have other thoughts to let loose on the world,
peace out bitchesss
<3

mk so im still in a good mood, BUTTT this is really starting to tick me off:
a certain someone keeps whining about how life is so hard because she has too many options and shes in love with all of them. pick one and move on! god i dont have any options so fucking be thankful for having 4!

jesus christ.

until i have more thoughts to let loose on the world,
"pussy, money, weed, brah!" - Kendall Bost 1st period math

Quickie

I just decided that a certain maggie radford makes me smile.
that is all.

heyyyyy kiddos =]

so today was a pretty decent day, i didnt miss the bus for once and the morning was not as boring as usual so that was a plus. then my wonderful mummsy took me out for lunch at cracker barrel *the most fattiest bestest place in the entire world =]* and then yea i had a basketball game which we won! *i hate basketball btw, god knows why i tried out.* and then i stayed for the dudes game and these 2 cute seventh graders kept hitting on me haha it was funny. so then yea but when i got home my mom was like matt called....and i hate talkin on the phone with guys but it wasnt as bad as i thought it was going to be. but annnnyyywayyssss my shirt smells really good =D

until i have other thoughts to let loose on the world,
adios muchachas
<3

Top 10

mk so here are the top 10 songs of the week not in any order execpt number one =]
half of them are from lindsay haha

1. Love Me Dead - Ludo
2. Transylvania - McFly
3. Topeka - Ludo
4. Lake Pontchartrain - Ludo
5. Guide My Soul - Lights
6. Day Late Friend - Anberlin
7. Haley - Needtobreath
8. The Curse of Curves - Cute Is What We Aim For
9. Crush - David Archuleta
10. I Will Follow You Into the Dark - Death Cab for Cutie

Wow.....

blahhh i hate north carolina there are no cool gay people =[
i want a gf soooooo bad! but mackenzie is just not my type, she plays soccer like me but shes not gentle or kind...i mean she tries to be kind and sweet but it comes off kind of creepy and desperate. then theres colleen. oh. my. god. i hate this chick with a passion and then i catch myself staring at her and thinking "wow shes so cute" and other things haha. but i just dont feel like i can trust her. she goes through guys like underwear *that her sister steals from forever 21 lmao* she doesnt know what she wants and after the whole hailey deal, as much as i love her now as a friend, i just dont want to get hurt again. then theres my whole thing that i've only ever kissed a girl, as a dare and i hated it cuz i hate that girl.
can some really hot gay chick like move down here and fall madly in love with me already?!?!?
jesus is that so much to ask for??? haha yea right, that will never happen because i suck at life =].
oooooooh and did i mention miss lindsay woodcock? she has got to be the cutest thing i have ever seen in my lifeeee. she has the cutest little smile and get this - she irish dances! how cute is that! but yea she doesnt like me, she likes some chick named reagan. *cough SLUT cough* go away reagan!! haha jk....=X
lol i was sitting ther about to tell L that i liked her and she starts talking about how she likes reagan and how shes a good kisser and i almost died. i was thinking "well then just rip my heart out why dontcha" so yea thats a good example of my luck.
but other than my love like i cant complain all that much, i have parents who love me and friends i can count on PLUS my amazing good looks =P haha.
omigod and then theres matt. oh. jeez. so his mom and my mom are like bffffffffs and hes cute and all but i just dont like him like that =[ and i feel bad cuz im pretty sure he thinks i like him =X
soooooooo yea.
thats my life right now...
juuuuust peachy eh?

i think not.

For Miss Elizabeth Rose Schneider

I'll be here for you always,
you can count on me.
No matter what those bitches do,
my love always comes free.
I'll be here through thick and thin.
Sweetie, I know where you've been.
You think your selfish when life gets you down,
but you're the most unselfish person around.
When you're happy its contagious,
how much i laugh?
girl its outrageous.
So basically i want to say,
I love you in each and every single way....

even though ur so freakin gay ;]

Lizzy bear what can i say? i love you so much, and i had to add that very last line cuz because i love you haha. Your one of my very best friends and we've been through someee shit. but imma be here for you no matter what and i want you to be able to call me in 5 years and us be the same way we are now, yelling our asses off cuz i havnt got a clue what the hell your saying =]. i know your going through hard times and everythings confusing but dont get lost in all the mess and forget to be happy. So wether your with sam, maggie, or brittney dont forget that as much as they mean to you, you mean 10 times more to me and if your not happy ill come kick someones ass. You are such an amazing person and a true catch for any lucky lady.

p.s.
when i call you a dork i actually mean that your so much cooler than me.

p.p.s. just kidding =D

iloveyou!

It's Like New Years!

Ok. Im done being dark for now. I'm ready to just start fresh, smarter than the last time (or so I'd like to think) But really, I looked at the things I wrote and although they're true they scare me slightly. Call me crazy but it's probably not healthy when I'm scaring myself.
So heres to trying to make the best of things.

Some things I'd like to work on though...

1. My grades. they're slipping right as i got them up again. NOT GOOD.
2. I'm slowly starting to hate soccer, which used to be the center of my world, and I kinda think it might be because its gotten harder playing at this level...
3. Thompson Lanning. That kid needs help. As dark as I've been lately I havnt started cutting and watching Tom go through it is hard because i watched my brother go through it aswell. Gotta be careful because he might start writing me poetry and songs if he thinks i care for him too much...
4. Making the best of being on the basketball team. Yes i know why did you try out if you hate it? Well i only tried out cuz i wanted to stay in shape. And seeing as i made the team i got to make the best of it, because i brought it on myself.
5. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I WANT TO DO IN LIFE. I may be 14 but it stresses me out.

Ordinary

You see me everyday.
That happy girl laughing with her friends.
Not a care in the world.
Seeming so innocent.
So naive to the world.
Underneath that happy go lucky girl is a prisoner.
Trapped as a drone in a life so unfit for her soul.
She hates the small town.
She hates the people shes friends with.
She hates not being able to be who she wants.
Lord knows if she let a bit of her true self out her parents would die.
She has her brother to thank for that.
He used up any creative tolerance they had.
You see me everyday.
Just an ordinary happy teenage girl.
But get inside her head,
you'll see she wishes she was dead.

A Mystery to Me

SHES THE GOOD CHILD.
ALWAYS SMILING.
NOT A CARE IN THE WORLD.
WAIT, WHATS THIS?
SHE TAKES OFF THE MASK AND WHAT DO YOU SEE?
YOU TELL ME.
ALL I SEE IS ANOTHER UNSOLVED MYSTERY.

Hypothetically

If I COULD FEEL,
I'D FEEL ANGRY.
I'D FEEL ALONE.
IF I COULD FEEL,
I'D FEEL HATRED.
I'D FEEL REGRET.
IF I COULD FEEL,
I'D FEEL DESPERATE.
I'D FEEL LOST.
BUT THATS IF I COULD FEEL.
RIGHT?

Without

I DONT WANT TO FEEL.
TO FEEL IS TO BE HUMAN.
GETTING HURT OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
I DONT WANT TO FEEL.
EMOTIONS TRAPPED IN A BOTTLE.
BEATING AGAINST THE INSIDE.
SEARCHING FOR AN ESCAPE
THE ESCAPE HAS BEEN DESTROYED.
LEFT TO ROT FOREVER.
EMOTIONS THE WORLD WILL NEVER KNOW.
NEVER HAVE I FELT SO LOW.